Product Description
From the New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First and Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either comes a revolutionary 30-day program to detoxify and rejuvenate your love life The premise is simple: When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, sometimes we get in so deep the only way out is to start over again. For many of us—whether we’re in a relationship, or actively dating in the hopes of finding that someone special—our love lives have… More >>
Sex Detox: Recharge Desire. Revitalize Intimacy. Rejuvenate Your Love Life.
3:06 am on March 10th, 2010 1
I saw the author of this book on the Today Show. I thought it would be the boost our marriage needed. We have been married 3 yrs. and just had a baby 8 months ago. Things needed a little recharging- and since that is what the title suggests I got it. We have made it half way through and are both wondering when we are going to start to feel recharged, revitalized and rejuvenated… We both know a book isn’t the magic cure and that we need to do the work. However, this book leaves us to only examine our past encounters. Not exactly what we are needing, I think this is written for older couples that have never explored their past to see how it may have shaped them. We aren’t sure we are going to finish this one.
I will admit we have had improved communication since starting it but that is about all.
Rating: 3 / 5
3:20 am on March 10th, 2010 2
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is the hottest, hippest sex expert of our time, he frequently works with couples to address issues that are common in the bedroom. Kerner has made frequent appearances on the Today Show, radio broadcasts, and on the pages of Cosmo, Redbook, Maxim, and Men’s Health, he also dishes out dating advice for LifetimeTV.com. He is also the cohost of the series Love on the Rocks on the Discovery Health Channel and is the author of She Comes First, He Comes Next, and Be Honest — You’re Not That Into Him Either. Kerner is certified to counsel patients by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and has a Diploma in Sex Therapy from the American Board of Sexology. He is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, The International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health, and The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSIS). Kerner is a graduate of Brandeis University, and also holds advanced degrees from New York University, and The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Kerner is a Thomas J. Watson Fellow and a recipient of the Erwin J. Haberle Award in Clinical Sexology.
He currently resides with his wife Lisa Rubisch, in NY City were he was born and raised. Together they have two sons, Owen and Beckett, and a Jack Russell Terrier named Houdini.
I was l so looking forward to receiving this book, I could hardly wait.
When it finally arrived I spent an entire evening browsing the selections available:
Getting Started
Doing without/The Science of the Detox/It’s All in The Mind? Learning How to Read Your Love Map
The Couple’s Detox
Couples Preparing for the Detox/ Modules 1-6/ Couples Rejuvenation
The Singles Detox
Background to the Singles Detox/ Modules 1-6/ Singles Rejuvenation
Next I checked out several reviews by others to try and get an accurate picture.
You see I am not part of a newly married couple and hoped to get a book I could read through together in bed with my other half that would give us some new ideas to spice up our love life. We are neither prudes or perverts but enjoy sex and are open about discussing it.
While reading and looking through the book I found myself to be both curiously adventurous and also titillated by this provocative tone. And, okay, a little embarrassed at
first. But I did not let that stop me. Then a bonus, my husband was immediately interested in exploration just from the cover itself. The book was already fun for me, then even more fun as a couple going through it together and trying things out, really good! There are steps that are easy to follow, exciting to try. Though “educational,” there was nothing clinical about this straightforward book. It’s nice to give one’s imagination a bit of a boost. It was enjoyable from beginning to end. I’m thinking it’ll be a nice reference book. I do plan to re-visit, frequently. There were a few things I’ve yet to discover. A few things that reintroduced me to my own coyness, something that my sophisticated mask was ashamed to admit still existed.
Kerner gently guided me to be kind to myself, see and appreciate my relationship with me, relax with my partner, and get even comfortable with intimacy. With his wonderful insights I began to know I am doing it right. It simply got easy to laugh with myself, share with my man and enjoy “Ultimate Sex” in every way. So I highly recommend this book, My husband and I are now a dynamic duo having great sex and a magical relationship.
This book gives you a different perspective on the way you and your beloved mate communicate intimately in the bedroom…(or any room, for that matter!) I thoroughly enjoy the new things I have learned, and recommend to any couple (because everyone has intimacy difficulties from time to time) to share this book with your partner!
Rating: 5 / 5
4:25 am on March 10th, 2010 3
I’m usually a Ian book fan, however I disagree with some of the advice given here for younger couples. This approach might be great for older folks. I think modern couples have the problems of spouses who are less interested in sex, due to time constraints, etc. I would try one of Mr. Kerner’s other great books.
Rating: 2 / 5
7:08 am on March 10th, 2010 4
I am just reviewing the first half of the book (p.1-134), which relates to marriage, and not the second half of the book which is for single people (p.1-23, 137-227).
Chapter 1: Introduction (off-putting infomercial)
The Detox (30 days of abstinence) works much like the way an elimination diet is used to screen for allergies; it is followed by Rejuvenation, which is the equivalent of reintroducing foods one at a time. The purpose of the month of abstinence is to build anticipation, to inject novelty, to increase your intake of the `drug’ dopamine (see below). Secondarily, this time of abstinence is put to (potentially) good use by sorting through any sex issues you may have.
Chapter 2: The Science of the Detox (believable, intriguing; a reheat of Passionista, Ch. 3)
Dopamine versus Serotonin: One side of the mushroom makes you bigger…
“Dopamine is a powerful neurotransmitter that functions as a natural amphetamine. In other words, it gets us focused, excited, and aroused. Dopamine is the reward chemical of the brain, and it plays a key role in both desire and pleasure. The more we pursue a goal, the more our dopamine levels spike, making us want it all the more. … When you think of `the thrill of the chase,’ it’s dopamine that provides a big part of that thrill.
“…Serotonin makes us feel calm and balanced, so much so that many of us take selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil to diminish anxiety and keep us calm and collected. When serotonin levels are high, we’re cool as cucumbers. Dopamine (is a) serotonin inhibitor, making us anything but cool and calm when we’re in love.” (p.11)
Incidentally, SSRIs can supremely obliterate your sex drive, sometimes permanently. For clarification, “reuptake inhibitor” means that it prevents serotonin from exiting your brain while your brain continues to produce serotonin, causing it to build up, kind of like a dam.
Delayed Versus Instant Gratification:
“Once we’re in a committed relationship, sex becomes easier, in a sense, and more readily available. It’s no longer a reward [in the dopamine sense:], but a given.” (Passionista, p. 62) Unlike with dating, there is no structure that imposes delayed gratification once you are married or cohabitating. There is no clear and easy build-up of anticipation. Christmas everyday is no Christmas at all.
Chapter 3: The Psychology of the Detox (jargon fire hose)
Chapter 4: Learning How to Read Your Love Map (get ready to journal)
Chapter 5 & 6: Detox (30 days of abstinence with 6 Modules)
Modules:
1. Starting Up: a general diagnostic test
2. Your Sexual Health: what you eat, how much you sleep, and your level of activity matters
3. Sexual Socialization: the influence of your parents’ relationships and your concepts of gender
4. Previous Relationships: all the way back to your kindergarten boyfriend; a catalogue of firsts (though first is not necessarily the most significant)
5. Navigating Your Love Map: memories, triggers, fantasies, poles
6. The Here and Now: evaluating the status of your current relationship and improving intimacy to boost desire
Modules I Liked More Than Disliked:
Module 5: Not since keeping a dream journal in high school have I had so much fun with navel gazing. Conceptualizing your individual sexuality as a map is perfect; it makes me think of Bjork’s Pagan Poetry, of the Neverland maps in Peter Pan, of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Module 6: At first glance, the suggestion to increase intimacy to boost desire seems to run counter to the idea of the whole book. Isn’t intimacy the opposite of novelty? Isn’t intimacy the bedfellow of serotonin? In fact, intimacy (understood as trust, warmth, safety, closeness) is necessary for novelty to be possible. Once you have burned through the freebie novelty that comes with a new relationship or a new marriage, you have to be confident and comfortable enough to initiate and explore new experiences. You have to be able to discuss fantasies, make suggestions, and have feedback.
Chapter 7: Rejuvenation (Sensate Focus, and not the junk version from I’d Rather Eat Chocolate; well worth reading)
Criticisms of the Book:
1. Since half of this book is for marital sex and half is for hook-up sex, the only way you could use this whole book is if you were in an open relationship. If I ever find myself in one, I suppose I will be glad to have a single text that addresses both the dopamine-deprivation of a long-term partner and the dopamine-whiplash of new partners. Until then, I would rather just have the material that is actually relevant to me. It’s all the more annoying when I feel like the marriage half could’ve been a full length book if it had been properly fleshed out. Each topic seems to have gotten a relatively superficial treatment. To fill it out, I read this with another of his books, Passionista (or in its better-titled version He Comes Second); they share a lot of material.
2. The “quizzes” could be much better. Module 1: The diagnostic is way too short and is generic in its scoring system; it’s essentially a 25 question magazine quiz. Module 4: Even though all of my responses were situated on the extremes, I am supposedly in the middle because that’s how mathematical averages work.
3. He says in the book: “One thing that is very important for you to keep in mind is that, whether you are undertaking this program with or without your partner, you are not going into it alone. Visit [...], where the Sex Detox experience continues.” Only it doesn’t, because the only thing at that website is the opportunity to buy his books and take the diagnostic quiz in this book: [...]
4. The book badly needs proofreading.
Rating: 4 / 5
7:50 am on March 10th, 2010 5
Wish I had bought this book long ago. It has changed our lives for the better.
Rating: 4 / 5